I always figured if there was one slob on the planet not addicted to porn, it was me. After all, I work in the biz. I’m immune. Like the best peripatetic hacks, I know how to ground out second-hand copy for the biz rags without letting my emotions get in the way.

Turns out I was wrong. Turns out I’m hornier than a former state prosecutor. (i.e. very horny)

How do I know? I took The Test. That’s right, they got a test for everything, even a sweaty-palmed, quivering-lipped, ass-puckering obsession with fuck films.

And The Test doesn’t let you lie, ever.

The Test (or common signs and symptoms) was created by Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C, founder of InnerGold Counseling, in Pleasant Grove, Utah, which is changing the world one person at a time.

So I took the test and I’ll be darned if I didn’t score off-the-charts addicted. I am eternally thankful to InnerGold for helping my find my Inner truth.

If you exhibit these signs and symptoms, you are addicted to pornography and/or sex.

• Disengaged (Out of body is more like it)
• Not fully present when with others (See above)
• Exhaustion – both physically and emotionally (I’ll answer after my nap)
• Feel like two different people (Yes, if I could get rid of the others, the two of us would be peachy)
• Secret behaviors (They are secret to the two of us)
• Embarrassed about personal behaviors (Believe me, you would be, too)
• Deliberately vague: Omit facts, distort truth when questioned and stay out of the light. (Fuck you)
• Avoid direct questions (See above)
• Tend to isolate (Sure, but it’s not a problem because this man really is an island)
• Easily frustrated (These questions remind me of the ones I took for the Parallax Corp.)
• Use anger as a weapon to control others (Oh please, it’s called mariage)
• Low self-esteem (Working on it, but yes, my son is five and called me a douche the other day)
• Build up self by putting others down (
• Fatigue (I’ll answer after my second nap)
• Foggy mind (Huh?)
• Attempt to change the subject and confuse by introducing irrelevant material (I have a huge penis)
• Agree without commitment (say ‘yes’ without any commitment to it) (Yes, and I’m not even Japanese)
• Claim to be changed after doing the right thing only briefly (Yes)
• Accuse others of misunderstanding (Stupid fucking ignorant test)

If you fail the test, like I did, InnerGold has an online store where you can purchase to download treatment programs and counseling sessions designed to cure your addiction to porn. I can’t really afford the InnerGold 5 Part Video & Manual System for $245.95 at the moment, so I’ll be getting the $34.99 podcasts.